You Are Beautiful!–A Poem About Menopause

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By Deanna Johnson Cauthen

I wake up from my sweaty sleep, 

feeling generally unwell.

My body aches from head to toe,

and my skin itches like hell.

I’m tired and depressed, 

my energy is gone.

I look into the mirror,

and see the weight I’ve packed on.

But deep inside a still small voice, 

Whispers quietly to me-

“You are beautiful, my love, 

you are more than what you see.”

The panic and the mood swings 

make me feel out of control.

The doctor says that HRT 

Will help to make me whole.

Each day brings a new symptom.

My body yells “Surprise!”

How I long for my old self,

As I watch my own demise.

Again, I hear that little voice,

Way down inside me say-

“You are beautiful, my love. 

Have the faith to live another day.”

My breasts are large and lumpy. (Oh God, please don’t let it be cancer.)

I want my body back.

I feel like a computer system,

That underwent a hack.

My libido left a while ago.

I miss the fun of sex.

Will this nightmare ever end,

And then what will come next?

One more time, that still small voice

 speaks to my sinking heart-

“My darling, you are beautiful.

 This ‘Change’ is a new start.”

The Race Factor: A Personal Essay About the Pernicious Nature of Racial Bias

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This past Friday, was my 55th birthday, and like usual my husband, Andrew, took me to an upscale restaurant in Atlanta to kick off the festivities.

He made dinner reservations at the prestigious  #NewYorkPrimeSteakhouse in Buckhead, a high-end restaurant known for serving the best steaks, and providing impeccable service.

Normally, we dine inside, but because of COVID-19, he requested for us to sit outside, in the patio area of the restaurant. Although we knew it would be chilly, we dressed warmly and were prepared for the cool weather.

When we arrived at the restaurant, a young, White hostess greeted us, and then promptly told my husband, who was dressed in a suit and bowtie, that he would need to remove his English cap because the restaurant had a no-hat policy for men.

We frequently dine at upscale eateries and know that they have dress codes, and we happily abide by them. Because we planned to eat outside, however, my husband asked if he could keep his hat on, but she and another hostess emphatically said the policy applied to their outside space, as well. So when we were seated, he took off his hat.

As we dined, however, we noticed that several White patrons were wearing items that were inconsistent with the restaurant’s dress code.

We saw guests wearing flip-flops, ripped jeans, and old t-shirts, but there was one set of guests, in particular, that grabbed our attention.

We had just finished our meal, and we were waiting for the waiter to come back with our credit card and the receipt when we noticed a White man and woman walking toward us with something on their faces.

Because the patio was dimly lit, it took a few seconds to realize that people coming toward us were wearing fully painted, zombie faces–gruesome teeth, and all.

As they passed our table, the guy wearing the Zombie face, actually, told my husband to ‘fuck-off’ because he didn’t like being stared at.

It was then that I realized that the restaurant was more than willing to relax the rules for their White guests, even to the extent of letting a couple of them dine with Zombie painted face masks, but they could not bend the rules and allow an African-American patron to wear his hat outside.

When we got home, I sent a Facebook message to the restaurant detailing the incident, and this evening, someone from the corporate office reached out to me and said that they would forward my complaint to the local establishment. But thinking about our experience led me to two important conclusions.

The first thing that I concluded is that it’s vitally important for our White brothers and sisters to understand that the #BlackLivesMatter movement has to be more than a protest, a march, or some other event.

This incident didn’t happen in some backwoods, small town somewhere. It happened in Atlanta, where we have had multiple racial protests, and where most of those marches have consisted of young, White people.

I honestly don’t think that those hostesses, or the restaurant management, for that matter, realize that they did something wrong. It’s even possible that some of them participated in one of the marches that took place in Atlanta, recently.

But systemic racism is invasive. It’s like cancer. It can show up anywhere, at any time, and often it presents itself subtly like being willing to relax the dress code for White patrons, but not for people of color. The point is this–if Black lives are really going to matter, they must matter in all of the spaces and places we go.

The second thing that I concluded is that racism, and the harsh realities that come with it, have taken its toll on the African-American spirit. Some of us are have been warped by the by lies America has fed up, and others have been whipped to the point of exhaustion.

I have Black friends who actually deny the existence of systemic racism. They think that incidents like the one I described are the exception and not the rule, and when they hear Blacks, like myself, speaking out against it, they feel that it’s much to do about nothing. I used to think that way, too, but I know better, now.

I’ve come to realize that no amount of education, money, or social status can protect a person of color from the pernicious effects of racism. My husband, Andrew, is well-educated, well-paid, well-spoken, and well-dressed, but the only thing the White hostess saw that night was a Black man in a cap.

I also have family members and other friends who are fed up with racial discrimination in America. A few of them have even contemplated leaving the country. However, we must ‘not grow weary in doing well”. As Congressman John Lewis said, we need to “make good trouble”. We must press on in meaningful, constructive ways.

Racism, whether conscious or unconscious, passive or aggressive, is toxic, and it’s imperative that we call it out and expose the injustices when the opportunities present themselves.

No longer do I pray, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” My new prayer is that God would grant me the courage to change the things I can no longer accept.

5 Things to Do to For Depression During the Holidays

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By Deanna Cauthen

Deanna Cauthen is as a contributing writer for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and the Decatur Dispatch and Tucker Times news magazines, publications of Hometown Newspapers.

depression

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I love everything about it–the music, (yes, even the old, corny songs about Rudolph and his red nose), attending holiday parties and eating delectable food, and the shopping, wrapping, and gifting of presents.

If you came to my home during the holidays, it would not be unusual to find me belting out my favorite Christmas song, eating a holiday cookie, while decorating the Christmas tree and wearing reindeer antlers. But this year, getting into the holiday spirit has been difficult.

Besides dealing with the physical and the emotional upheaval that comes with menopause, over the past 12 months, I’ve experienced a major blow up with the mother of our grandchildren which led to a severed relationship with her and the children, had serious communication issues with an adult child that resulted in a major conflict, and left a church fellowship where our family has faithfully served for more than 22 years.

And I assure you that I am not only one experiencing major losses. I have friends who’ve been recently diagnosed with debilitating and degenerative diseases, some who have recently had a loved one die, and others who are dealing with the isolation and loneliness that sometimes comes with getting old, being sick, and incapacitated.

There are people who are dealing with job loss and extreme financial distress and let’s not forget about the many families in Southern California whose homes have been consumed by wildfires. There are countless other situations where people are hurting deeply and in the depths of despair.

Contrary to the happy holiday commercials where everyone is sitting around the dining table, eating the turkey and enjoying the festivities, statistics show that depression and anxiety are at an all-time high during this season of the year. So the question is what to do you when the merry is gone from Christmas? Below are a few suggestions that are helping me cope with the holiday blues.

  1.  Acknowledge the sadness and continue to grieve the loss.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that despises weakness and everything associated with it. As a result, many of us feel it necessary to walk around wearing masks of fake happiness, but life is hard and sad things happen. It’s important to acknowledge the pain and not pretend that it doesn’t exist.

If you’ve had a significant loss as a result of losing a loved one to death, divorce, or you have experienced loss in some other way, it’s important to mourn that loss. How to do that will look different depending on the particulars of your situation.

One way that I process my pain is by writing in my journal. It’s a safe place to put my feelings because I don’t have to worry about anybody criticizing or judging me. The things that I write down in my journal are for my eyes and my eyes alone. I call it “cheap therapy”.

Talking with my husband and other trusted friends helps me to process pain is another thing that I do help process my sadness. Having another person that will listen and acknowledge my hurt is a healing balm for my spirit.

If you do not have a network of family and friends to go to, a support group can provide some much-needed help. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) is a great resource for support. They have a plethora of information on their website and you can enter your zip code to see if there is a free support group in your area.

  1. Keep your holiday traditions as much as you can.

Although you may not feel like it initially, it helps if you can keep at least some of your holiday traditions.

Having my husband take down all of the Christmas bins from the attic, going through each of them, deciding what decorations I wanted to use this year, and then starting the process of decorating the house, helped me to “get in the mood”.

At first, it felt superficial, like I was just going through the motions, which was exactly what I was doing, but as time went on, I started to feel differently. Putting on the Santa hat, decorating the tree, and listening to Christmas music actually did help me feel better. Did it take away all of the sadness? No, but it helped.

Another one of our family traditions is hosting the Christmas Eve dinner for my side of the family. In addition to hosting, we usually go out and purchase a ton of gifts to give to family and friends, but this year I had neither the energy or the money and I seriously thought about canceling the whole thing.

But then I realized that it doesn’t have to be “all or nothing”. After talking it over with my husband and our youngest daughter, we decided that we would only give homemade treats or simple gifts, and we asked everybody to bring a food item to share. This takes the physical and financial pressure off of us and still allows us to celebrate the holidays with family and friends.

If funds are tight and you like to bake, consider giving cookies or other baked goods as gifts for the holidays. You can purchase cookie tins at your local thrift store for pennies (I purchased 20 tins for under $3). Allrecipes.com, as well as other websites, offer a ton of wonderful cookie recipes.

  1. Make the effort to reach out to others.

When you’re feeling depressed or sad, the last thing you probably feel like doing is going out, however, I’d like to encourage you to resist the urge to withdraw. This can be hard when you don’t have very much energy, but do it anyway.

It’s important to go to the holiday concert, the Christmas party, or the holiday luncheon. Even if you can only stay for a short while, going can make the difference between feeling completely isolated and having some human connection. You don’t need to try to talk to everyone. Just pick one or two people to connect with and start a conversation. I have found that when I reach out to people, many times they will return the favor.

The holidays are also a great time to talk to people you haven’t seen or spoken to in awhile. Use this time to pick up the phone or break out the Christmas cards and write warm messages to your friends and family members. If don’t feel like licking envelopes and purchasing stamps, try sending an electronic card via email. Crosscards.com allows you send holiday cards for free. Not only will this brighten their day, but doing the activity will brighten your spirit, as well.

  1. Meditate on the positive.

One of the things that I have found to be vitally important when I’m in a slump is to manage my thought life. I struggle with anxiety and fear, so if I’m not careful, I can allow a plethora of anxious thoughts to plunge me into the depths of despair.

In order to avoid this, I have had to consciously and deliberately take control of the way I think. I do this by making time to meditate. This is easier said than done since there are so many distractions. Constant notifications from things like Facebook and other social media, the barrage of daily emails, text messaging, and any number of other things on the internet, are constantly demanding our attention.

But we can choose to fight back and take control of our soul. This means finding a quiet place and meditating on scripture or other inspirational passages. Some of my favorite scripture passages to meditate on are:

“I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

“Even if I go through the deepest darkness, I will not be afraid, Lord, for you are with me. Your shepherd’s rod and staff protect me.” (Psalm 23:4)

“Don’t worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart.” (Philippians 4:6)

“Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

“…. My friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable.” (Philippians 4:8)

  1. Take time out to exercise.

According to information from the Mayo Clinic, “regular exercise may help ease depression and anxiety by releasing feel-good endorphins, natural cannabis-like brain chemicals (endogenous cannabinoids) and other natural brain chemicals that can enhance your sense of well-being.”(1)

Making and meeting regular exercise goals also gives you the opportunity to take your mind off of your worries and get out of the cycle of negative thinking that fuels depression and anxiety. I have personally noticed that on the days when I make the effort to get out and walk for 30 minutes or so, my mood is so much better.

Regular exercise also benefits you psychologically and emotionally too because it can help you to gain confidence, get more social interaction, and manage your depression or anxiety in a positive, healthy way. Additionally, getting outside and exposing yourself to more light can significantly improve depression.

I realize that none of these things by themselves is going to solve all of our problems or relieve all the sadness, but collectively they can help to cheer our spirits. I encourage you to try them and reclaim this time of the year.

  1. Mayo Clinic article “Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms”, September 27, 2017, http://www.mayoclinic.com.

 

Menopause and Divorce: Know the Facts!

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Did you know that 60% of divorces are initiated by women in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s–women who are going through menopause?

Before you throw in the towel, join us at the 2nd Annual Celebrating ‘The Change’ National Menopause Awareness event. Come and listen to our panels of experts and to the testimonies of women who have made it to the other side and find out how to communicate and renegotiate the terms of your relationship with your spouse.

For more information, go to https://celebratethechange2017.eventbrite.com

5 Things Every Parent Needs to Do This School Year

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By Deanna Johnson Cauthen

Deanna Cauthen is as a contributing writer for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and the Decatur Dispatch and Tucker Times news magazines, publications of Hometown Newspapers.

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I’ve recently completed my 25th year of homeschooling. During those years, I’ve graduated out three of my children and now I have one more left. It’s hard to believe, but my youngest child has just started her junior year of high school and my days as a homeschooling mom are quickly coming to an end.

If you do something long enough, you’re bound to learn a few of things. Such is true for the job of parenting. Over the years, I’ve learned that no matter how many pairs of socks I purchase, I will always have more unmatched than matched. I’ve learned that even though you tell them to use the bathroom before they leave the house, at least one child will “have to go” once you get in the car. I learned that though you tried to cut all of the pieces of cake exactly the same size, somebody will always complain that the other got more.

But I have also learned some very important practical truths. Here are five things I plan to do with the final days that I have left in my homeschooling career and I’d to encourage you to do the same.

  1. Don’t waste time stressing over things that don’t really matter.

One of the big issues of contention between me and my youngest daughter has been about the cleanliness, or lack thereof, of her room. Every time I passed her bedroom door and saw the messiness, I felt compelled to tell her to “clean up” and preach to her about the importance of having an organized, sanitized space. This, of course, was met only with resistance and resentment.

However, a couple of years ago, it dawned on me that I only have a few, short years left with this precious child before she’s off to college. Do I really want to spend this time fussing at her about clothes on the floor? Absolutely not. So I stopped. It was really that simple.

Now, I do still have some limits. I draw the line at moldy food and foul odors, but short of that, I’m okay. The funny thing is since I’ve backed off, she’s actually gotten better about keeping her room cleaner. Who can figure?

  1. Help them tap into their unique abilities.

Being a student of your child is a very deliberate act and will require you to pay close attention to them. It means listening not only to what they say, but watching what they do and how they do it. Your job, as a parent, will be to connect the dots and create an environment that will help cultivate their natural abilities.

I have four children and each of them is very different. My son, who is the oldest, has always had a love and gift for electronics and engineering. Even at a very young age, he intuitively understood the process. His room was filled with all manner of electronic devices that he would take apart, reconfigure, and put back together again.

My oldest daughter, Corinthia, loved books and reading. Today, she works as a library manager at a local university. Johanna, my middle daughter, is my sensitive child and has always identified with those who were hurting or less fortunate. She currently works as a nurse’s assistant at a retirement facility.

As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in the frenzy of grades, SAT scores, and college choices. Those things have their place, but providing a rich, learning environment for our children and creating opportunities for them to explore their gifts, will yield the greater good.

  1. Give them something bigger than themselves to believe in.

One of biggest pleasures I have had, as a parent, has been to talk to my children about the practical applications of my faith.

Someone once asked me if I was trying to indoctrinate my children with my spiritual beliefs and I told them that was exactly what I was trying to do. I believe in an omnipotent God that is bigger than me and my problems. It’s been that belief that has helped me to keep my sanity when the chips were down and all hell broke loose in my life.

As a homeschooling parent, I’ve had more access to my kids than most parents do, but every parent has the opportunity to pass on their spiritual values to their children.

As these kids grow up and leave home, we will not be there to protect them from the harsh realities of this world, but having strong spiritual roots will help them navigate their way better.

All three of my adult children have had their own period of “falling away” from the faith, but over the years they have each shared about times in their lives when they needed their faith to help them through a difficult time and for that I am extremely grateful.

  1. Listen more and talk less.

Sometimes we’re so busy barking out orders and giving instructions that we miss important moments in our children’s lives. The scripture says, “…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and should not get angry easily (James 1:19),” but too often, as parents, we do the exact opposite.

In her article, “How to Become a Good Listener”, Janet Dunn says, “Unfortunately, many of us are too preoccupied with ourselves when we listen. Instead of concentrating on what is being said, we are busy either deciding what to say in response or mentally rejecting the other person’s point of view.” When a parent stops and takes the time to really listen to a child, they will feel loved and accepted. Poor listening is an act of rejection, but good listening embraces others.

Good listening also allows us to have better teachable moments with our kids because we’re better informed. We’re not assuming things and speaking from a place of ignorance. It allows us to be more credible and have more impact.

  1. Make time to have fun.

Most of us are super busy and, in any given week, there is a myriad of important things to do, but make sure you take time to have fun.

We don’t get to do this as much now since Adrianna is in high school and has a heavy workload, but there are days when we will stop school and go shopping at the mall or go out to lunch. Sometimes we just grab a portable, canvas chair, go outside, sit on the front lawn, and take selfies.

It seems like yesterday when my, now-adult, children were all home and we sat around the dining room table eating, talking, and laughing. Of course, I still see and spend time with them, but it’s different. They have their own lives and sometimes it’s difficult to coordinate our schedules and spend time together.

We need to make the most of the time that we have with these kids. Don’t worry about the dishes or the laundry. They will eventually get done. If you have to err with your time, err on the side of making a fun memory.

 

And the Greatest of These is Love

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By Deanna Johnson Cauthen

Deanna Cauthen is as a contributing writer for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and the Decatur Dispatch and Tucker Times news magazines, publications of Hometown Newspapers.

Image result for heather heyer

Ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that I am not a person who sheds tears easily. I’m just not.  But when I saw the face of Heather Heyer, the young woman who was killed in Charlottesville when a white supremacist ran over her and several others, the tears came and they kept coming. They flowed from a soul that is full of grief and sorrow.

If someone would have asked me 20 years ago whether racism in America was a significant issue, I would have said that, although I still believe that it exists, it’s the exception and not the rule. I was truly convinced that it was primarily a thing of the past. Sadly, I’ve changed my mind. The incident at Charlottesville, along with other racial events over the past few years, has opened my eyes to the realization that some of the things that I thought were true about America are not true at all. It’s been a rude awakening for me and my heart can barely stand it.

Racism is alive and well. In some cases, it’s not as obvious because it’s been repackaged and rebranded. In cases like the one we all saw in Charlottesville, it comes at you like a raging bull–mean and deadly. The most hurtful thing for me, though, is seeing and hearing it from people who are supposed to love me–people who call themselves Christians. The fact that so many of my white sisters and brothers have failed to denounce racism publicly and definitively, or even worse, defend these types of actions, cuts me to my core.

The scripture says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” Heather Heyer, a white sister who I have never met, laid down her life in the pursuit to love others. Although her life was short, she fulfilled her calling to love her fellow man and while we may not be called to literally lay down our lives, we are each called to “love our neighbor as ourselves”. We can only do this when we acknowledge each other’s pain and  “share in each other’s sufferings”.

There are those in the Christian community who say that Heather and the others counter-protesters should not have gone to Charlottesville and confronted the neo-nazis. They say that they should have stayed away and been peacekeepers, but the scriptures say, ‘blessed are the peacemakers’, not blessed are the peacekeepers.

Peacekeepers are people who don’t want to rock the boat.  They want to keep the status quo at all costs. Peacemakers are people who work to create peace and reconcile things and people that are at odds with one another. Heather Heyer was a modern-day, civil rights, peacemaker and she gave her life for that cause.

If there is any good that can come from a tragedy such as this, it would be that incidents like these are a catalyst for change. Just like in the sixties during the Civil Rights movement when we saw the ugly images of dogs and water hoses being used against protesters, the recent images of white supremacists with their torches raised and chanting their hateful rhetoric, have sparked an awakening to the evils of racism for some of my white friends, and thankfully, some of them have begun to speak out.

To all my white sisters and brothers who have chosen to love people of color by bravely and emphatically taking a stand against the evils of racism, thank you. Thank you for not being silent. Thank you for not rationalizing the rioting and violence in Charlottesville by comparing it to the Black Lives Matter movement. Thank you for helping us to keep the faith by standing with us and letting us know we are not alone. Thank you for protecting us with your love.

Taking a stand against racism is scary and it’s hard work.  I’ve only been doing this for a few years and I’m already tired and I’ve been tempted to give up, but when a sister like Heather Heyer, is not afraid to speak out and take a stand, how can I quit? My prayer is that many eyes will be open to the realities of racism and that hearts will be changed. May this young woman’s death not be in vain.

6 Things to do to Protect Kids From Sex Traffickers

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By Deanna Johnson Cauthen

Deanna Cauthen is as a contributing writer for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and the Decatur Dispatch and Tucker Times news magazines, publications of Hometown Newspapers.

sex traf pic7

Recently, while shopping at our local supermarket, my daughter Adrianna was approached by a young, attractive, African-American woman wearing sunglasses, in the produce department,. I was several feet away when I looked over and noticed the uncomfortable expression on my daughter’s face, so I stopped what I was doing and walked over to her.

I told the woman that I was Adrianna’s mother and asked her what she needed. At that point, she immediately took off without giving me an answer. Surprised, I turned to my daughter and asked her what the woman wanted. She told me that the woman asked her age and said that she would like to get to know her better. She also asked her if she had a family and whether or not she live with them.

It took me a few minutes to process what had just happened, but when I did, my heart was gripped with fear because everything about the transaction pointed to sex trafficking. I was shocked and horrified.

Never in a million years could I have imagined that my daughter would come face to face with a sexual predator. Even more surprising was that the person who approached her was a woman. We proceeded to the front of the store and reported the incident to the manager and then to the police.

What exactly is sex trafficking? Sex trafficking occurs when someone uses threats, violence or other forms of coercion to convince children and even some adults to participate in sex acts against their will.

Sex trafficking is a big business and it thrives because there is a serious demand. It’s happening not only in the United States, but globally. According to numbers released by the National Human Research Trafficking Resource Center, human trafficking produced $150 billion in revenue worldwide.

With these facts in mind, it’s imperative that we as parents, and the community at large, educate ourselves on what things what can be done to combat this problem. Although this is by no means a conclusive list, here are six things we can do to protect our own children and the other children in the community.

  1.  Take time to connect with your children.

As parents, sometimes we get caught up with our own problems and become emotionally unavailable to our children, many times without meaning to do so.  We need to, however, take deliberate actions to connect with our children on a daily basis.

You’ve probably heard people say that quality time is more important than quantity, but that’s not true. Kids need both quantity and quality time. This means talking with them and asking open-ended questions and not just talking at them and barking out orders.

Sexual predators are looking for children who feel disconnected and who lack supportive families. It’s not enough to say ‘I love you’. Your kids need to feel and know that you are there for them.

  1. Set boundaries and model healthy behavior.

Your children are watching how you handle problems and interact with others. A few months ago, I was in a store with my daughter when a young man became agitated with me and started exhibiting threatening behavior. I immediately went and found a manager and told him about the situation. I asked him to walk me and my daughter to our car, which he did, and he stayed with us until we drove away.

The lesson my daughter learned that day was when you need help, ask for it. You don’t have to go it alone. She also learned that it was important to trust your gut and honor your own senses. They need to know that if they feel uncomfortable, they have the right to protect themselves, but they can only do that if they see that kind of behavior being modeled at home.

  1. Stay informed and alert.

When I posted the incident that happened in the store on Facebook, there were several of my friends who did not realize that sex trafficking was such a big problem. This tells me means that we, as a community, have some catching up to do when it comes to getting informed about this issue.

It’s worth mentioning again that the sexual predator that approached my daughter was not some big, scary man, but a charming, attractive, young woman.  According to the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime 2016 Global Report on Trafficking in Persons, about four in 10 human traffickers throughout the globe are female, dispelling the general perception that sex trafficking is a male-dominated industry.

Becky McDonald, the founder of the Michigan-based nonprofit Women At Risk International, recently spoke to an audience at the World Affairs Council of Palm Beach about sex trafficking. “The face of trafficking, often the actual trafficker who is doing the sale of that person against their will, is a female”, said McDonald.

Sex trafficking can take place through online contact as well, so pay close attention to your children’s internet accessible devices. Do periodic, random cell phone and tablet checks and monitor other internet activities.

With the internet literally at our fingertips, we can arm ourselves with the information we need and become a part of the solution to this problem. Understanding the nature of sex trafficking and knowing what to look for, can not only help your child, but other children in the community, as well. The FAIR Girls Organization and the US Department of Homeland Security’s Blue Campaign are two of many good online resources.

  1. Don’t assume that your child is immune from this type of activity.

As I mentioned previously, sex traffickers are looking for children who are lonely, isolated, depressed and who have a weak family structure, but don’t assume that because your child comes from “a good home” that they are not susceptible.  Depending on what’s going on in the home at the current time, along with other factors like school and friendships, your child’s emotional state may be more fragile than you think.

Although I was almost sure that my daughter would never have willingly gone with this woman, I used the situation as a time to take her emotional temperature. I asked her how she felt about the incident that had just happened and about other things going on in her life to make sure that I wasn’t missing anything.

  1. Help them develop a plan of action to use if they’re confronted by a predator.

When we got home, my daughter, husband, and I talked about the experience at the store. First, we reassured her that she did nothing wrong and that what happened wasn’t her fault in any way. Secondly, we discussed a plan of action in case this situation or something similar were to happen again. Below are some specific courses of actions we advised her to take.

  • Walk away from the person. Remember, you don’t owe a stranger anything and you don’t have to be polite to a person who you think is dangerous.
  • If they persist, look them in the eye and firmly say, ‘I am not interested’ and continue to walk away and distance yourself from them. Don’t engage them in a conversation or give out any personal information.
  • If you are in a store or another place of business, get help. Ask for a manager or proceed to a security guard or police officer and notify them about the situation.
  • Stay with a responsible adult until help arrives.
  • Call or tell your parent or guardian about the incident so that they can make an official report with the local authorities.
  1. Provide support for at-risk kids in your neighborhood during the summer break. Unfortunately, summertime is a prime time when sexual predators are looking to recruit. They know that children are out of school which gives them more access. Additionally, there are many parents who cannot afford proper childcare and who leave children home alone with nothing to do and little supervision. These kids are particularly vulnerable to sex trafficking.

If you don’t already do this, talk with your neighbors and get to know them. Form a network to help those parents who might not otherwise be able to afford childcare. If you can afford it, sponsor a child for a week or two of daycare or offer to take turns watching each other’s kids.

Look for the warning signs of child sex trafficking including new tattoos (pimps use this as a way to brand victims), is withdrawn, depressed, or distracted, and signs of physical abuse such as burn marks, bruises or cuts. You can visit the Shared Hope International website for a more comprehensive list of warning signs. As the ancient, African proverb says, “Remember, it takes a village to raise a child”.

8 Things You Didn’t Know About Black Fatherhood

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By Deanna Johnson Cauthen

Deanna Cauthen is as a contributing writer for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and the Decatur Dispatch and Tucker Times news magazines, publications of Hometown Newspapers.

Homeschool Dad Pic

As we celebrate Father’s Day, I wanted to find a way to honor the many African-American fathers who sacrifice and support their families each day. I felt particularly burdened to write a word of encouragement since many of us have been deeply hurt and discouraged by the unjust killings of several African-American men by the police.

Unfortunately, society’s perception of Black men and their role as fathers is a dismal one. So often, the only pictures we see of African-American men are the ones painted by the ugly images of the media. This, along with the prejudices that have been passed down from generation to generation about African-Americans in general and Black men in particular, has added to the misconception people have about them.

I’ve been fortunate, however, to witness some of the best of what Black fatherhood has to offer. Despite the odds, I have watched these men serve their families and contribute in countless ways to their communities and I’d like to share eight things with you that I’ve observed.

1. Most African-American fathers are very nurturing to their children.

A C.D.C. report issued in December 2013 found that Black fathers were the most involved with their children daily, on a number of measures than any other group of fathers — and in many cases, that was among fathers who didn’t live with their children, as well as those who did.

I remember how my heart melted the first time I saw Andrew look at our daughter, Adrianna, shortly after she was born.  I could clearly see that he was awestruck and he has been that way ever since. He regularly spends time talking with her, supports all of her interests, and even at age 15, he faithfully tucks her into bed at night.

But his love isn’t limited by biology. It’s been extended over and over again to his three stepchildren, the grandchildren that he’s helping to raise and the hundreds of youth he’s mentored during his 23+ years of youth ministry.

2. Black fathers carry a particularly heavy load and need support and encouragement from their community.

Woven into the very fabric of American thinking is a longstanding, pernicious attitude that African-American men are inherently bad and there’s been a long history of efforts to rob Black males of fidelity and honor. The prejudices are so pervasive that many African-Americans themselves have unconsciously internalized and accepted much of this poisonous mindset.

Battling these negative attitudes, along with the responsibility of caring for a family, can be a daunting task. These men need the support of a caring community.

You might be asking yourself, “Where are all these good Black men?” The answer is that they are all around you, but you need to open your eyes and see them. They’re the guys who pick up your trash, the dentist that cleans your teeth, the mechanic who fixes your brakes, the principal at the local high school, the coach who mentors your child’s sports team, and the co-worker at the next cubicle. The list goes on and on.

As a community, we can help bridge the gap and bring healing and restoration when we choose to cross racial boundaries and enter into the world of an African-American family. If you are of another race, I challenge you to invite a family of color to your house for a meal and get to know them better. It will go a long way to breaking down old stereotypes.

3. Good Black fathers are not an anomaly.

As amazing and wonderful as my husband, Andrew, is he is not an anomaly. I come from a long legacy of Black men who are wonderful fathers including my dad, brothers, uncles, father-in-law, and brother-in-laws. Furthermore, I’ve been fortunate to be in friendships with several wonderful Black men and their families.

Not only do these men tend to the needs of their immediate families and would move heaven and earth to provide and protect, but many of them help their extended families, volunteer in the community and regularly serve at their places of worship.

4. Black fathers want to be the leader for their family and desperately need their wives or significant other to support them.

In a report entitled “The Negro Family” written 50 years ago, Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan states that “…the Negro community has been forced into a matriarchal structure which…seriously retards the progress of the group as a whole, and imposes a crushing burden on the Negro male and, in consequence, on a great many Negro women as well.”

Because of this breakdown of the African-American family, some women have come from homes where there was no male leadership. As a result, it can be very difficult for a woman to trust a man to lead a family, but we must allow our men to be restored to their rightful place.

As a divorcee who had to be head of household and primary provider, I know how hard it is to lead a family. It was a relief for me to be able to turn the reigns over to Andrew. He has a servant’s heart and his leadership, along with my wisdom, support, and prayers, has enabled our family to accomplish great things.

5. Contrary to popular belief, African-American fathers are not deserting their children.

Josh Levs, author of the book, “All In,” points out this fact in a chapter in the book titled “How Black Dads Are Doing Best of All (But There’s Still a Crisis).” One fact that Levs quickly establishes is that most Black fathers in America live with their children: “There are about 2.5 million Black fathers living with their children and about 1.7 million living apart from them.” Admittedly, not all of these fathers are married to the mothers of their children, but that is a far cry from abandonment.

6. Most African-American fathers, despite disadvantages, work and take care of their kids.

According to the Census Bureau 2013 American Community Survey, 67% of African-American males ages 16 to 64 are in the labor force. Although the participation rate for Black males is less than the ‘all male’ population rate of 80%, you must take into account that historically African-American males have lagged behind in education which significantly affects employment opportunities. My father was a prime example of this.

As a self-taught electrician with barely a high school education, my daddy struggled to make a living. Additionally, during the fifties and sixties, there was still a lot of discrimination and it was difficult for a Black man to get licensed and employed as a certified electrician.

Because of that, he resorted to doing odd jobs here and there. Sometimes, we would go with him to a job site and wait in the car while he worked. My mother would read to us and we ate sandwiches and finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Daddy would return with a little money in his hand and we would all go home. He, along with the help of my mother, always made sure that we had a house, a car, clothes, and food.

Although my husband has a degree in English from Clemson University and has worked as a reporter for several years, Andrew had his challenges with employment, as well. Shortly after we married, the company he worked for downsized, and he ended up losing his job. As if that wasn’t stressful enough, he now had the responsibility of providing for me and the three children from my previous marriage, and we were expecting our first child together.

Although he vigorously applied for several jobs in his industry, nothing came through and he ended up having to work two part-time jobs in order to support us. He did that for several years until he was finally able to land a position as a reporter with a newspaper.  Andrew’s top priority was finding a job and earning a living for his family and he did whatever he had to do to make that happen.

7. More African-American fathers are getting a better education.

Nearly 62% of Black men earned their high school diploma in 2010, according to a 2013 Education Week report and, according to BlackDemographics.com, in 2013 about 48% of Black men 25 and older attended college, although only 17% of them earned a Bachelor’s degree.

8. Some African-American dads who have failed their families want to make amends, and need to be given the chance to do so.

Let’s face it. Some of our Black dads have screwed up royally. For one reason or another, they were absent from their children’s lives and this has caused untold amounts of pain and grief.

Of course, those early years of parenting can never be regained. However, as Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, do better.” I have personally seen some of these men doing that.

Understandably, because of the hurt that they’ve caused, sometimes their efforts are not well received by their children and former spouses or partners. As someone who has walked through this, I would like to offer a few words of advice.

To the dads out there who are trying to reconnect with their kids and repair damaged relationships, I encourage you to be patient. You cannot undo years of absenteeism and neglect in a few weeks or months. It takes time to build trust. Be honest about your mistakes and don’t make excuses.

To the children and former spouses or partners of these broken relationships, I ask you to consider the fact that most of these men were ill-prepared for the rigors of parenting. Many of them had poor or nonexistent male role models themselves. Choose to forgive, not for their sake, but for yours and let the healing process begin.

To all the African-American dads out there who get it right, thank you. We love and appreciate you. Today is your day. Celebrate!

 

 

 

 

What God’s Gonna Say When My Mama Gets to Heaven

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One day, mama will enter through those the pearly gates of gold

Into heaven and all its splendor as the scriptures have foretold

The angels will see her coming and they’ll run to her and cheer

They’ll lead her to the Throne of Grace and say “Look, Joanna’s here.”

 

God will look up from his work, on his face they’ll be a smile

“Girl, come sit down next to me”, he’ll say. “Let’s talk a little while.”

Let’s take some time and review your life and all that you have done

Let’s recount all of the battles that I’ve fought for you and won.

 

I formed you in your mother’s womb and gave you your first breath

I  watched you grow and protected you from an untimely death

As a child, you and your twin sister had to struggle to survive

It was me who whispered in your ear, “Don’t worry, I’ll provide.

 

At school, you loved to do your work; you took it seriously

And I gifted you especially for math and Chemistry

You wanted to become a nurse, but instead became a wife

I blessed your union and over time you began to birth new life

 

Your duties as a wife and mom became your new career

And you served your family faithfully each and every year.

You trained your children and taught them to obey the “Golden Rule”

And every week you took them to church and Sunday School

 

When your family needed money, you helped and went to work

You used your skills and took a job as a library clerk

But then your husband, Richard, died and that was such a blow

You fell into a deep, dark place; your heart had sunk so low

 

But there’s no place where you can go where I am not there, too

The darkness is as light to me and I have perfect view

I was there, I saw your tears and heard your painful groans

It was me who whispered in your ear, “You are not alone.

 

I helped renew your courage and you again began to run,

the race that I ordained for you and that you had begun

You finished raising your young girls; got remarried to a chef

The two of you looked forward to the years that you had left

 

Your children, now, had children and you were blessed to see

Another generation and grow your family tree

Some grands you helped to raise and rear; helped others when in need,

But you shared your love with all of them and in their lives sowed seeds

 

Then, as time would have it, your sweet, twin sister died

You said goodbye to your best friend and once again you cried

But life continued to move on; you explored a new frontier

And at the age of 65, you started your school career

 

At school, you served the children and the teachers, too

And help them with their lessons and all they have to do

You loved the work you did each day, but I know that you got tired

And many days you wondered if you ever would retire

 

Again, you lost a husband. now, you were widowed twice.

The future seemed so lonely, you needed some advice.

You asked, “What lies ahead? What will my life now be?”

“Don’t worry about tomorrow,” I said.  “I’m your sufficiency.”

 

So you went about the business of completing final tasks

And faithfully you did them well, each thing that I had asked

And just like at the first, I was there for your last breath

It was me who whispered in your ear, “Don’t be afraid of death.

 

When God was finished with his talk, he took mama by the hand

And He gave her a personal tour around the Promise Land

They walked along an avenue, then down a tree-lined street

And came upon a mansion and there they made entry

 

Once inside the house they saw people everywhere

It was a huge celebration; a real upscale affair.

There was music, lots of food, that’s good, ‘cause mama loves to eat

God said, “Come here, Joanna. There’s some people you should meet.”

 

At first, she didn’t see them, she didn’t recognize

The outline of their faces, but then she saw their eyes

It was auntie and my grandma and then my father, too

They hugged and cried, and then they said, “We’ve been waiting here for you.”

 

They talked and laughed for quite some time, but then got up to leave

“Where are you going,”? Mama said. “Take me with you, please.”

Then God said, This house is yours. These people are just guests.

Come, relax, and sit down and enjoy your well-earned rest.

 

Remember how on Earth you said that you wanted a retreat–

How you were sick and tired of having to work all week.?

Well, this is it. Here you are. You have finally arrived.

And I’m giving you a chauffeur, cause I know you hate to drive.

 

Well done, my good and faithful servant. Today, new life begins.

No more struggles. You’re home at last. Now, come and enter in.

 

Embracing the Gift of Singleness

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By Deanna Johnson Cauthen

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Some of you may be wondering why a happily married woman of almost 16 years is writing an article about being single. Well, the truth of the matter is, I haven’t always been happily married.  

I will spare you the sorted details, but let’s just say that my first marriage of 10 years did not work out, and at age 30, I was facing divorce along with the daunting task of supporting three young children. I had gotten married at the tender age of 20 years old, so I basically had been in a relationship all of my adult life and the idea of being single was not only scary but repulsive.  After all, who wants to be single, right?

I spent the first several months of my separation dreading singleness and living in denial. I  hoped against hope that things would work out with my former husband. It didn’t. After two years of being separated, my divorce became final and slowly the reality of the situation began to set in.  I was, now, unmarried, and the question became how was I going to handle it?

Well, the good news is that I not only survived, but I thrived during my time of singleness. The very thing that I despised, ended up being one of my life’s greatest gifts because it challenged me to do several things that up to that point I had not been doing.

Below are seven things I learned during my time as a single person. I encourage you to take some time and consider each of them to see how you can incorporate them into your life.
 

  1. I embraced my community.

During the five years that I was single, I discovered that there were a wealth of people who wanted to be there for me. Not only did I have a biological family who cared about me, but I had a church family which loved and helped me in practical ways. I  also began to talk to and form close, meaningful relationships with my neighbors, most of whom were older, and they nurtured me and my children.

Singleness does not have to equate to a life sentence of loneliness and relegate you into the shadows of society. Community is all around you–it’s your family, your church, your neighbors, the lady at the grocery store, the kid walking down the street. And, remember, being in community is a two-way street. It’s not just about getting support. You need to be giving back, as well. Consider becoming a volunteer with an organization. Start reaching out to the people around you and they will reach back.

  1. I engaged my brain and helped myself.  

One of the first decisions I had to make as a single mom was where I and my kids were going to live. I had a little money in savings, and with the help of my parents, I was able to purchase my first house. As a new homeowner, I was faced with fixing and maintaining things on a regular basis. I learned how to paint walls, repair broken window panes and screens, patch holes in the sheetrock, plant a garden, and a host of other things. I also learned how to make a budget and manage the money for my household.

Although naturally independent, up until this point, I had not made many decisions on my own. Because I married so young, I basically went from my parent’s house to my husband’s house. Being unattached was empowering because it forced me to stand on my own two feet and think of ways to help myself. It allowed me to tap into my own strengths, make decisions, and value and trust my own thoughts, abilities, and ideas.

  1. I took the time to address unfinished emotional business.

Singleness gave me the time that I needed to work through some of my own underlying emotional issues. There was a reason that my first marriage failed, and although my former husband had serious issues, I married him, which meant I had issues, too. I had entered the marriage prematurely trying to escape the pain of my past, but the marriage didn’t solve any of my original problems. At best, it served as a temporary distraction.

Being alone can feel scary, but resist the temptation to jump into the next relationship before you’re ready. I know people who have done this and it has resulted in a string of failed unions. Do the hard work required to get healthy. If it means getting professional therapy or joining a 12-step support group, do it. You’ll be glad you did.

  1. I stopped looking for people to complete me.

Here’s a news flash: No one can complete you. Only God can do that and there are no substitutes. Does God put people in our lives who can share life’s journey with us? Of course, he does, but that’s very different from the codependent, dysfunctional relationships that are played out in the media.

A friend of mine, who is also a math teacher, told me something a long time ago and I’ve never forgotten it. She said, A half times another half does not equal a whole, but a quarter.” When broken people get together, it just creates more brokenness.

  1. I found an accountability partner.

Like any good pilot, sometimes you need help navigating the journey of your life. This is where a good friend can be a priceless tool. My accountability partner was the person I went to when I was about to make an important life decision and I needed help applying the practical truths of scripture to the situation. Having this component in place was the single most important element for growth in my life.

The trick is finding someone in your life who is strong enough to tell you the truth when you need to hear it, but gentle enough to provide a crying shoulder, as well.  It needs to be someone who is spiritually mature and someone who has proven themselves trustworthy. Ask God to send them to you. He will.

Let me offer a word of caution, though. Because of the advisory role this person will be playing in your life, there may be a temptation to become overly dependent on them or to put them on a spiritual pedestal. Remember that they are just an instrument of grace in the hands of the Master and that God is the ultimate source for meeting your needs.

  1. I was willing to try new things.

During the five years that I was a single woman, I tried and learned more new things than at any of time in my adult life. In some ways, it was better than a college education.

It was during this time that I purchased and learned how to drive a stick-shift car, change a flat tire, ski down a mountain, and own and operate an office cleaning business. In the end, I discovered that I was stronger and more capable than I ever realized and that I had gifts and talents that I didn’t even know that I had.

I once heard it said, “That nothing beats a failure, but a try.” For those of you who’ve been shrinking back from doing the next thing, stop saying, ‘I can’t’ and get out there and try.